Thursday, October 4, 2018

My First

MY FIRST

     In all honesty I never been the relationship type. I was always focused on school. I mean yeah I had my little middle school boyfriend's but that was little childish shit. My father was in my life up until I was towards the end of my 8th grade school year. It seemed like after he got locked up is when I started to care about that type of shit more. Love that is. It felt like I was missing something. I started looking for the love that my father always gave me. The kisses on my forehead, the motivational speeches when I wasn't on track and so forth. But it ain't no love like a father's love. But it was crazy because through all my high school relationships it was easy for me to move on. Like a break up never really fazed me. To be honest, I don't count any relationships before the age of 18 because what do you really know about a damn relationship at those ages? 

I feel like relationships aren't taken seriously in my generation. No one wants a woman or young lady who can cook, pick them up when they fall, stop their bad habits, push them to get that better job or position and then some. It seems like you have to be light skin with a fat ass and pretty face for anyone to really pay attention to you without you having to do much. I'm pretty sure GOD may have accidentally put me into the wrong generation because I like the "old school" love. I want the little date nights and come over and watch a movie and actually enjoy each others company without having sex. You know how GREAT sex is when you and the other personal have an emotional connection first? That shit is out of this world I promise. It'll have you ready to cry in the middle of sex lmfao. 

I tried though. I tried to be that perfect girlfriend. I tried to be honest, push him to do better, taught him how to communicate and that its okay for a male to cry. I let him take his anger out on me whenever he was going through a difficult situation because if hurting me made him feel better and made him not be depressed or upset then I was willing to let him do that. It's crazy because this whole shit feels like something you would see in a movie. The shit that was said to me, done to me, shown to me... and yet I'm still sitting here wondering if him and his family are okay because he lost his stepfather, the only dad he knew, and his mom lost her fiancé. I got a new phone and changed my number after the break up thinking that I would let all the hurt go then and there and "start fresh" but boy is that shit hard. Like I can't come to reality that I wasted 6 months, half a year, on a person that didn't have good intentions from the start.. or maybe he did and he's just that damaged because of his past. 
I just don't understand. For a year he tried to get in contact with me (before I knew who he was).. for a year he messaged me telling me I'm beautiful and other things to get my attention and when I finally let up and give him a chance he does nothing but mostly cause me pain. What was the purpose? If you weren't going to let go of your past why move forward? If you weren't going to leave your ex alone why mess with someone new? Like do people know you can literally DIE from a broken heart? You want to be my murderer? Do you want to sit in front of a judge and tell them how every little thing you did lead to my death? Do you want to see my family members standing over my casket screaming for my soul to suddenly appear back into my body? Do you want to hold that weight on your shoulders or do you truly just not care? Fuck.. sometimes it seems like you just can't get through to people and that shit irritates me. Like I could show you so much if you would just let me in! just let your guard down for a second and I can give you so many reasons to want to wake up every morning. 

My mom always said your first relationship is your learning relationship. You learn your likes and dislikes and what you can and can't tolerate, etc. I definitely learned a lot. I learned that if someone is giving you a reason to walk away then just do so. I should have left when Yani face timed you naked after you told me she was just a friend. I should have left when your baby mother sent my bestfriend screenshots of you telling her that I was a girl you took pictures with and of to make her have higher self esteem. A photographer mh? Through all of that I tried to see the good in you. Through all of that I was trying to look for the love that my dad used to give me and that's where I fucked up. I didn't know my worth and I still don't because I'm still sitting here hoping you would magically change and be the type of man I want to marry, but I know that's not going to happen.. so now I have to sit here and force myself to let 6 months go down the drain. 

I just don't understand!! Why me? I changed A LOT about myself for you, but whenever I needed you to change or fix yourself or a situation or a problem you always hesitated. I ALWAYS had to force your hand. It was never a "baby I'll work on it" or "baby I'll fix it". I know that relationships aren't going to be perfect. I know that another person isn't going to be perfect. I know that perfect doesn't exist.. but damn did you even try? Because it doesn't feel like you did. It feels like you did just enough to get me wrapped around your finger so that through every little mistake you made after that.. fuck it. You know what you did to me. He knows what he did to me. Whatever you did, undo that shit so I can move the fuck on! This was my first relationship so of course I don't know how to let go. How do you let go of someone you thought you were going to marry? How do you let go of the bond you built with someone's child and family? How do you continue through life and act like none of that shit ever happened? 

7 comments:

  1. This is so deep and i truly do support all of your positive vibes you spread.

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  2. You are very mature for 19 but know that this wasn't a forever relationship for you. There will be more relationships to learn from. Each relationship and break up hurts in it's own way.

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  3. Well first, I grew up in a home where my father was an abusive alcoholic. That was my first look at love. Then when I was old enough to date (16 yrs), I always dated men where I had to chase after them to make them see I was worthy of dating. This lasted thru college. Then I dated men who were verbally abusive or just after sex. I could not see I was worthy of better. When I met my husband it was a complete 180. I was treated like a princess and he chased me, rather than the other way around. I was showed that I was worthy of love. So let my lesson be a lesson to you. Know that you are a queen. A queen worthy of being chased after. And if any man makes you do all the work in the relationship, show his ass the door. You are a queen my friend, and you deserve a king

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  4. The best advice I can give you is that no break up is easy. You hear stories of people that claim they've had an easy break up or are still on good terms with their ex; they're lying. It doesn't happen, most of they are in serious denial. Break ups hurt, they're messy and they take time to heal. Everything you are feeling is completely normal so don't worry about that - there is nothing wrong with you. You're not feeling anything that a young person hasn't felt 100 times before. I'm not saying that to invalidate your feelings, I'm saying it as reassurance. Feel what you feel, work through it, cry through it. But you will get through it, ok? :)

    When it's a really bad relationship, an emotionally abusive one it's even worse. I was with a guy for 3/4 years before my current relationship and I'm still feeling the crap from it. I'm glad that you had 6 months so that you can heal and move on, put that ass behind you. You'll spend a lot of time remembering all the times he said it was your fault, all the times you did something wrong even though you worked so hard to change - and you know you did because you've told us that you did. One day you will be able to look back and realise that you grew as a person and that was the only good thing that guy ever did for you.

    I wish you all the best *hugs*

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  5. Focus on yourself and your wellness + happiness. Every time you start thinking of him, redirect your thoughts towards something positive for you. And as hard as it is, try to remember that damaged people may do messed up things but that it is not a reflection of you!!
    Heartbreak is so hard but your peace of mind is the most important thing!! Just keep focusing on what is healthy and good for you — eventually you will find clarity. Hang in there!! Have patience w your process. Sorry for the BS he put you through!

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  6. The only way you can do is to live him and look for another one

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