Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Holding On


I hate the fact that I do not know how to let go! It's something I literally can not do. I've tried, I've cried, I've yelled, and I've prayed. I do not have the ability to let go and I believe that's the reason why I am so mentally damaged, why I snap so easily, and why I cry so easily. I don't want to sit u here and act like I've had the worst life possible, because I know that things could have been way more worse, but it was a lot. They try to say "GOD gives the roughest battles to his strongest soldiers" but in this case I am not a soldier. GOD I AM NOT A SOLDIER MATERIAL. I have so much hate in my heart and it hurts. I have so much regret! I know that you aren't supposed to regret your past because it makes you who you are today, but I don't care I regret a lot of shit that I've decided to! I wish I had some consistent guidance in my life then maybe I would have turned out to be a better young lady or something. I know that I'm young (19 years old) but whose to say that I'm not going to die tomorrow? 

Let me start you at the beginning..

I always felt like the outcast child when it came to my siblings. It seemed like I got scolded more, I got beat more, I got put out there more, and so forth. My siblings would literally team up on me with any and everything and no one ever stopped the behavior growing up that's why were so separated now. Recently my sister said i was "a lame ass excuse for a sister" because I didn't give her a ride somewhere right then and there, although I just spent $700 on her for school shopping 2 months ago to help take some extra weight off my mom's back. Now because I haven't provided you transportation I'm nothing? And that isn't even the half. I'll never forget when I was in the second grade there was this boy in my neighborhood that had a crush on me. One day we were outside and he had his arm around me, mind that were LITTLE kids crushing.. something little kids do. My mom's boyfriend at the time happen to be leaving the house and seen what was going on so of course he informed my mom. When my mom got home from work she beat me. When I say beat, I'm not talking about a old fashion ass whooping, my mom punched me in my face time after time until the point where I was bleeding and her boyfriend had to snatch her off of me.. first grade. But I mean my dad always told me that my mom didn't want me. Not in a malicious way, but that she tried to get an abortion and when she went they told her that she was too far along. So I feel as if though my mom has always had this hate towards me. It's crazy how I can't remember my full childhood but I can remember events like that like it happened yesterday.

I'll never forget the night my moms boyfriend's son came into me and my sisters room about 1AM one morning. At the time me and my sister slept in the same bed because my granddad was staying with us temporarily so he took over her bed. He pushed the bed over a little to the right because it was up against the wall so there was no way to stand on the left side. He came up to me and squatted down and shook me to wake me up, and that I did. He told me to get out the bed and I asked him why, then he just started rubbing up and down my thigh. At the time I was young and smaller so I always went to sleep in shorts and a tank top.. I was a little girl so that's appropriate attire you know? I just gave him that "chill out" look and moved his hand out off of me. Then he moved the covers back and shoved his hand in my shorts and then my underwear. I shoved him and told him to quit, then he stuck a finger inside of me.. I was young so of course I wasn't having sex so it hunted. I don't know how my sister was laying right behind me and slept through all of this, but once he did that I started to shake my sister to wake her and that's when he stopped and slid out of the room. I should have known something like that would have happen for the simple fact that he would walk into the bathroom while I was in the shower, walk into the closet while I was getting dressed.. doing little shit he had no business doing because he never should have been in my room in the first place. I feel as if though he was repeating behavior he maybe experienced because he was 12 // 13 still pissing in the bed. That has to be some sign on trauma. Not only that his dad was very mentally abusive. He used to lock my little brother in the garage, in the dark with no shoes on and my mom allowed that shit! I'll never understand that for the simple fact that my little brother wasn't his child to be disciplining and definitely not in that manner.. but we were kids what could we really have done about it? I told my mom about the situation maybe 3 years ago, but I don't even think she believed me because she still communicated with his father at the time and she never brought it up. 

My mom has always thought of me as "extra" and a "liar". For example when I was in the 6th grade me and a friend of mine were walking to school. I don't quite remember her name but I remember we were walking right past Tartan Elementary. We had just split from my brother and his group of friend's because they really used to bully me and he would allow it. (It's funny because A LOT of them try to talk to me now) As I was walking to meet her at the corner (she was in plain sight and so was I because she waved) a Hispanic man pulled up next to me and some sort of gold car, but ass naked, with a gun in the passenger seat. He asked me if my name was "Kenyatta" while he was groping himself and I was so in shock that I just stood there. I could have ran but I was scared he was going to shoot me or hell, even hit me with the car. He continued to ask the question and I just looked over at my friend crying. Then I just snapped out of it and started running towards her. He then circled around and once I reached her we started running together because she had already seen everything that happened. And since I didn't report it until I got to school (it was stores along the way) my mom didn't believe me. It didn't even effect my friend and her mom put her on the bus everyday after that and then switched her schools. That shows to go the different types of parents we have. 

to be continued ....

Thursday, October 4, 2018

My First

MY FIRST

     In all honesty I never been the relationship type. I was always focused on school. I mean yeah I had my little middle school boyfriend's but that was little childish shit. My father was in my life up until I was towards the end of my 8th grade school year. It seemed like after he got locked up is when I started to care about that type of shit more. Love that is. It felt like I was missing something. I started looking for the love that my father always gave me. The kisses on my forehead, the motivational speeches when I wasn't on track and so forth. But it ain't no love like a father's love. But it was crazy because through all my high school relationships it was easy for me to move on. Like a break up never really fazed me. To be honest, I don't count any relationships before the age of 18 because what do you really know about a damn relationship at those ages? 

I feel like relationships aren't taken seriously in my generation. No one wants a woman or young lady who can cook, pick them up when they fall, stop their bad habits, push them to get that better job or position and then some. It seems like you have to be light skin with a fat ass and pretty face for anyone to really pay attention to you without you having to do much. I'm pretty sure GOD may have accidentally put me into the wrong generation because I like the "old school" love. I want the little date nights and come over and watch a movie and actually enjoy each others company without having sex. You know how GREAT sex is when you and the other personal have an emotional connection first? That shit is out of this world I promise. It'll have you ready to cry in the middle of sex lmfao. 

I tried though. I tried to be that perfect girlfriend. I tried to be honest, push him to do better, taught him how to communicate and that its okay for a male to cry. I let him take his anger out on me whenever he was going through a difficult situation because if hurting me made him feel better and made him not be depressed or upset then I was willing to let him do that. It's crazy because this whole shit feels like something you would see in a movie. The shit that was said to me, done to me, shown to me... and yet I'm still sitting here wondering if him and his family are okay because he lost his stepfather, the only dad he knew, and his mom lost her fiancĂ©. I got a new phone and changed my number after the break up thinking that I would let all the hurt go then and there and "start fresh" but boy is that shit hard. Like I can't come to reality that I wasted 6 months, half a year, on a person that didn't have good intentions from the start.. or maybe he did and he's just that damaged because of his past. 
I just don't understand. For a year he tried to get in contact with me (before I knew who he was).. for a year he messaged me telling me I'm beautiful and other things to get my attention and when I finally let up and give him a chance he does nothing but mostly cause me pain. What was the purpose? If you weren't going to let go of your past why move forward? If you weren't going to leave your ex alone why mess with someone new? Like do people know you can literally DIE from a broken heart? You want to be my murderer? Do you want to sit in front of a judge and tell them how every little thing you did lead to my death? Do you want to see my family members standing over my casket screaming for my soul to suddenly appear back into my body? Do you want to hold that weight on your shoulders or do you truly just not care? Fuck.. sometimes it seems like you just can't get through to people and that shit irritates me. Like I could show you so much if you would just let me in! just let your guard down for a second and I can give you so many reasons to want to wake up every morning. 

My mom always said your first relationship is your learning relationship. You learn your likes and dislikes and what you can and can't tolerate, etc. I definitely learned a lot. I learned that if someone is giving you a reason to walk away then just do so. I should have left when Yani face timed you naked after you told me she was just a friend. I should have left when your baby mother sent my bestfriend screenshots of you telling her that I was a girl you took pictures with and of to make her have higher self esteem. A photographer mh? Through all of that I tried to see the good in you. Through all of that I was trying to look for the love that my dad used to give me and that's where I fucked up. I didn't know my worth and I still don't because I'm still sitting here hoping you would magically change and be the type of man I want to marry, but I know that's not going to happen.. so now I have to sit here and force myself to let 6 months go down the drain. 

I just don't understand!! Why me? I changed A LOT about myself for you, but whenever I needed you to change or fix yourself or a situation or a problem you always hesitated. I ALWAYS had to force your hand. It was never a "baby I'll work on it" or "baby I'll fix it". I know that relationships aren't going to be perfect. I know that another person isn't going to be perfect. I know that perfect doesn't exist.. but damn did you even try? Because it doesn't feel like you did. It feels like you did just enough to get me wrapped around your finger so that through every little mistake you made after that.. fuck it. You know what you did to me. He knows what he did to me. Whatever you did, undo that shit so I can move the fuck on! This was my first relationship so of course I don't know how to let go. How do you let go of someone you thought you were going to marry? How do you let go of the bond you built with someone's child and family? How do you continue through life and act like none of that shit ever happened? 

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Meeting Me

Meeting Me

Welcome to my blog. My name is Kenyatta but almost everyone calls me Kaay Jaay. I got that name because its my initials but I'm extra so i added a few extra letters in there. I am 19 year old female born, raised, and currently living in Las Vegas, Nevada. I graduated from Legacy High school in 2017. I have 2 older brother, 1 younger brother, and 1 younger sister. My birthday is April 11th so you already know #TeamAries. My father is incarcerated and my mother is an accountant for a casino out here. 

My blog will cover a lot of different things. My opinions on situations that may be going on in my city or country, DIY, personal feelings, how to's, and so forth.

One thing I love to do is write so I figured since I typed fast why not turn my writing into a blog. 

I know this blog may seem simple, boring, and overly informative but I just wanted to get an introduction out there so people aren't like "Who is this girl?"